


All Alone

by MagnusGlitterBaneAlec



Category: Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Drama, Fluff, M/M, Romance, Self Harm
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-07-25
Updated: 2014-07-26
Packaged: 2018-02-10 09:11:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,077
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2019408
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MagnusGlitterBaneAlec/pseuds/MagnusGlitterBaneAlec
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Magnus is feeling like he is all alone in the world. Will he find someone to help him find happiness again? Alec has fallen really low in his life. Will he find someone to help him find happiness again? AH/AU</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Lonely And The Broken One

_Magnus's pov_

I looked around at all the dancing people. They were all talking and laughing. Having a permanent smile on their faces. But no matter how many people are surrounding me this loneliness just won’t go away. That’s the lesson I learned very quickly. And unfortunately one that I can’t easily forget.

My mother killed herself when I was only five years old. She couldn’t stand living in this cruel world anymore and decided to just quit. She hanged herself in the basement of our family house.

That was the first time I felt loneliness like never before. The first time I felt pain.

On the funeral I was surrounded by my cousins and all the different people who were saying that it will be okay, petting me on the back and repeating how sorry they are over and over again. But it didn’t matter. Their touch didn’t change anything. It didn’t make it better. Didn’t make the loneliness go away. Because it wasn’t the type of loneliness that can just disappear by touch. It was the loneliness of the heart and soul. The loneliness that slowly, but surely, just got bigger and bigger as I grew up. As I lost more and more. As I lost everything that I ever cared about.

After my mother’s death my father fell into a deep depression. Blaming everything and everyone for her death. Drowning his sorrow and pain in alcohol. That was the second time I felt the same sorrow and pain as before. Especially after he died out of overdose just a few months after her. And with that left me completely and utterly alone.

They sent me to a new home and surrounded with other kids my age, but no matter how many people I meet my loneliness just won’t go away. It just continued growing, expending, getting bigger. It continued taking over my heart until there was nothing left. Nothing but loneliness.

I met a lot of people in my life, but as I met new ones I as easily lost them. No one stayed long. No one was permanent.

There were a lot of days when I was surrounded by happy and smiling people but it was like I was all alone in the room. Days like this. Because no one cares. No one cares about me anymore. I lost the only people who ever completely and unconditionally loved me. And as years went by I lost everything else too and was left alone. Living in a world of pretending and fake smiles. A lonely person in a group of happy people. With a fake smile and a black heart, looking for that something that will save me from the dark. That something that will finally save me.

I laughed at something I wasn’t even listening and took another sip of my drink. I didn’t care anymore. I didn’t feel anything. Left numb and alone. There was just the loneliness that became a big part of me.

Looking up I locked eyes with the most beautiful blue ones that I ever saw. As I looked him over I saw that he alone was beautiful. Pale skin, black hair and that piercing baby blue eyes. He was the most beautiful person that I ever saw.

I flashed him a smile and saw with amusement how his cheeks turned bright red.

As he looked away I felt a strong want-no, need to go and talk to him. So I did just that. Getting up and walking towards him. Watching as he looked at me with wide eyes as I approached.

I smiled seeing him blush again. “Well hello there. I’m Magnus. And you are?”

“A-Alec. Alec Lightwood.” He stuttered.

He is so adorable; I thought, smiling wider. “Well, Alec I would love if you would accompany me to the terrace. It’s easier to talk there.”

He looked around seeming nervous before nodding slowly. “Sure”

“Great.” I took his hand and pulled him towards the door. He tried to get it out of my grip but then gave up as he saw that I’m not letting go.

When we got out we started talking. Talking about everything and nothing at all. I felt intrigued by him. I felt the need to get closer to him, find out more. With this man I met only a few minutes ago I found myself feeling more at ease then with anyone else. So as he looked up at the stars looking so beautiful in the moons light I couldn’t help but to lean forward and press my lips onto his.

He was shocked for a moment. Staying completely still but then I felt him kissing back and it was the best feeling that I ever felt. This one small kiss was making me feel everything I never felt before.

And as we pulled away I smiled. A true genuine smile. Not the fake one that I showed for way too long but a happy one. And he smiled back. Eyes sparkling, reflecting the stars above.

That night we spent talking. With a few fleeing kisses.

It was the first time, in a long time, that I felt something else then the constant loneliness. The first time I felt love. The first time I felt like maybe I’m not completely alone.

 

 

_Alec's pov_

It has been three years since I last saw them. Until now.

The moment I entered the big ballroom I knew it wasn’t a good idea. I knew that even before but then I was positive. I was positive it will hurt me. They will hurt me.

 I didn’t want to go in the first place. Izzy made me. She said she needs me here. That we haven’t seen each other in a while and she wants to get some quality time together. But I couldn’t see her anywhere. As we stepped inside she ran to Simon immediately. Leaving me alone with a quick ‘be back in a minute’. Ten minutes has passed since then and I can’t see her anymore.

I sighed. Fleeing to one of the isolated corners of the room to hide in peace. To avoid them seeing me. I didn’t want them to know I am here.

For the past three years I have been doing that. Avoiding them to the point where I even moved to another city. Trying to ignore the pain they caused me. The pained that came by them rejecting me the moment they found out about me. The moment they found out they will never get a daughter in law .

It has happened a few days before my 18th birthday. I was good at hiding it until then but one little slip...One little mistake and everything went downhill. My whole world shattered. All because I didn’t want to meet a girl they set me up with. I wish I kept my mouth shut then. I wish I just went on a date with her and then everything would have been fine. I wouldn’t have blurted out I was gay in a heated fight with my father. I wouldn’t have seen that disgusted look on his face the moment those words left my lips. They wouldn’t have kicked me out a few hours later. Leaving me alone and without a home.

That’s when the cutting began. It was my way of dealing with it all. The feeling of the cold blade as it sliced my skin. The blood and the sweet, sweet pain that came with it made me feel like I was on top of the world. It was so much better than any drug you can find. The sweet nothingness that came with the pain. It made me forget for a little while how disgusting and unwanted I am. It made me forget about everything bad and all the pain. It made me feel numb. Something I embraced with both arms.

I stayed for a few days after they kicked me out. Sleeping wherever I could and staying close to them. Hopping they will take me back. But at the same time knowing that they won’t.

The thing that probably hurt the most was seeing them act like I died. Like I don’t exist anymore. Mourning me. That really did hurt the most. The fact they would rather like I am dead then deal with me being gay. It hurt. It did. And so I left. I took all the money I could find and got on a train to as far as it could take me. Ending up in a small city not that far from New York but still far enough.

The next few months after that were torture. I try to forget them now. I couldn’t eat most nights. The money I had wasn’t enough for me to even rent an apartment. Or anything with a roof really. So I slept on the streets mostly. Eating twice a week if I was lucky. And cutting constantly. The pain became my only constant. The numbness the only thing keeping me sane.

By the time Izzy found me again I was starved, weak and covered in scars. And by that point I was seriously thinking about suicide. I mean what is the point in living if you don’t have anything to live for? But she helped me. She came and stayed. Renting me an old, rundown apartment. But an apartment none the less. It was nice having a warm place to sleep after so many months of sleeping on trees, benches and any available surface really. She gave me food and after many months of torture, me pleating and her crying every time I gave into my “needs” she made me stop cutting. I slipped and gave into my addiction a few times after that but always pulled back out before it was too late. Even after she left and went back home I was able to resist. Mostly.

After that, when I was left alone again, I got a part time job and started writing. I wrote about all my troubles. About the good and the bad of my life. It made me feel better. The feeling of telling someone, even if just a piece of paper, my story was making me feel a little better. But then Izzy saw it and made me publish it. It took months but when I finally gave in and did it I got enough money to support myself. To buy a normal apartment. To finally start living my life again.

That was two years ago. Now with four novels behind me I had more than enough money to survive. I could say I built a good life for myself. But even after all of that the pain didn’t go away. It just subdued a little. But it was still there. Tempting me every day to just pick up my blade and cut. Wash it all away. Make me numb again.

The only reason why I didn’t do it was Izzy. My beautiful and brave little sister who tried with everything she got to make me better. She was the only thing keeping me here. Keeping me alive.

I looked around and saw the people I was trying to avoid. My parents were laughing and looking happy. Not carrying about me. Not carrying about how much of a mess they made my life.

Just by seeing them my hand ached for a blade. The last time I cut was a year ago and I didn’t want to do it, if only for Izzy. I don’t want to disappoint her. But the want and need to do it was overwhelming. I sank my nails into the palm of my hand. Trying to stop from shaking.

Pushing myself from the wall I was leaning on I started hurrying through the crowd. Just wanting to get out before they see me. As I pushed my way through the crowd I glanced to my left and stopped in my tracks. There. Just a few feet away was the most intriguing man I have ever seen. I couldn’t take my eyes off of him. He had the most enchanting green and gold eyes and his black hair shined with glitter. He was just… Enchanting.

I didn’t even notice I was staring for a while when he looked up and caught my gaze. And when he did he smiled. A big breathtaking smile.

I blushed and looked away. Not knowing how to react to that.

Suddenly he made his way towards me and all I could do was look at him in shock as he smiled at me. I couldn’t help but see the sadness in his eyes even though he had a big smile on his face. It didn’t make any sense to me why would this man be sad. But then again nor did the fact that he was smiling at me.

“Well hello there. I’m Magnus. And you are?” His voice sounded like silk. He also had a slight accent I couldn’t pinpoint but his voice made me feel like I can just listen to it all day.

“A-Alec. Alec Lightwood.” I stuttered feeling stupid for it. Great. Now I’m stuttering.

But he didn’t seem to think so as he smiled even wider. “Well, Alec I would love if you would accompany me to the terrace. It’s easier to talk there.”

I looked around, starting to feel nervous. I did want to get out before I saw him. I reminded myself and with that thought and one last glance towards my parents, who luckily still didn’t notice me, I slowly nodded. “Sure.”

“Great.” He said and suddenly took my hand and pulled me towards the door. I tried to get it out of his grip but then gave up as I saw that he’s not letting go. And I didn’t mind him holding my hand. It felt nice to have someone, other than my sister, do that.

When we got out we started talking. Talking about everything and nothing at all. I felt intrigued by him and for some reason he seemed to be intrigued by me too. I felt the need to get closer to him, find out more. With this man I met only a few minutes ago I found myself feeling more at ease then with anyone else. He even made me forget that only a few minutes ago I wanted to cut again. It felt nice to open up to a complete stranger. And after a few hours of talking he didn’t feel like a stranger anymore. It was like I have known him my whole life.

Suddenly and without any warning he leaned in and pressed his lips against mine.

I was shocked for a moment. Staying completely still. Feeling shocked at his actions. Why would he kiss me? But then I started kissing back. I kissed him back and as our lips moved in sync it felt amazing. I was able to feel everything that I thought I lost years ago. It took my breath away and made me feel like I want to just smile for days on end. He did.

And as we pulled away he smiled. A smile without any sadness. Just a beautiful smile that had me smile back happily. And I really was happy. For the first time in a long time I felt happiness like never before.

That night we spent talking. With a few fleeing kisses.

And as the night turned into dawn and we exchanged our phone numbers I felt that maybe there is something worth living for. Maybe I can find happiness again.

 


	2. Bad Ideas...Or Maybe Not

I was sitting at the coffee shop. Thinking that maybe this wasn’t such a great idea.

At the time when Magnus texted me asking if I would like to meet him here I agreed without a second thought, still a little giddy from the night we met. All the kisses we shared. You can’t call it making out because they were soft kisses that didn’t last that long but were nevertheless able to make me feel happier then I have in a long time. And the fact that he texted me and wanted to see me again was making me feel that happiness again. Just the thought of seeing him again was enough to do that.

I still felt scared though.

Not because he is just gorgeous, and someone that beautiful just doesn’t date someone like me. It just never happens. And on top of that if he finds out about my past he will definitely feel disguised in me. When he sees the scars he will leave. Won’t want to do anything with me I’m sure of it. And I just didn’t want to see that look in his eyes. The pity and the disgust mixed together in a look that I saw way too many times, and if I see it in his eyes will crush me.

So, as you can see, plenty of reasons to be afraid.

Just as I was about to get up and leave the front door opened and my eyes met those enchanting gold and green ones. They were even more gorgeous then I remember.

I couldn’t help but stare at him. I mean he did say that he normally dresses a little more flamboyant then the suit he was wearing but I didn’t expect it to be this much.

He wore rainbow leather pants that looked pained on and didn’t leave anything to your imagination. And on top of that he also wore a tight black shirt and a lot of jewelry. Which included a belt buckle with a big letter M. He was also wearing makeup. I mean he wore it before too but now the eyeliner was a little more noticeable and green eye shadow was just making it even more noticeable. And his hair...It was done in spikes and had glitter in it. Glitter!

There is no way for anyone to see him as straight.

As our eyes met he flashed me an incredibly big smile and started towards me. I watched him move gracefully with a slight blush. I didn’t mean to check him out. It just happened.

People were turning around to stare at him. Some in disgust and others fascination. But he didn’t seem to notice or just didn’t care. Just coming to sit across from me. Smile not wavering even once. “Hello darling.”

I blushed at him calling me darling. “Hi.” I said before taking a sip of my tea so I don’t embarrass myself. Even though, with a blush on my face, it was already too late for that.I felt really awkward. What do I do? We kissed before but we weren’t in public then. Not really. Not in front of other people at least. Does he even want to kiss me again? Did he call me here only to say that we won’t see each other again? That was the only thing that made any sense to me. There was no way he actually wants to see me again. But on the other hand if he really didn’t want to see me he wouldn’t have even called.

My head was starting to hurt.

“What’s with the hotel key?” Magnus asked me suddenly with raised eyebrows, pointing at my hand.

The question took me by surprise and made me follow his gaze to the table where I was indeed fiddling with my hotel key card. I blushed. I didn’t even notice I was doing it. I thought about putting it down. But then my hand will be left empty and that wouldn’t be good. Not while I’m nervous. Not now. “I don’t live here. My house is a little way out of New York.” I explained. Trying to not fiddle with it anymore.

“Really? Why don’t you just stay with your sister then? You said you get along.” He asked me looking genially interested. It took me aback. Only a two people in my life ever looked at me like that. And none of them had known me for only two days.

“Hmm…” I remembered he asked me a question. “She still lives with my parents and they are not… My favorite people.”

He raised his eyebrows but didn’t say anything else about it. And that made me sigh in relief. I really didn’t want to talk about it. Especially not with him. “Well, it still can’t be convenient for you to pay for a hotel room.”

“I don’t mind.” I said with a small smile. “I have money.”

“What do you do? You haven’t said the other day.”

“I’m a writer.” I said and then bit my tongue. But he can’t know my books, can he? I thought, starting to freak out. No. There is no way he read it.

He smiled at me which made me relax again. If he knows he wouldn’t be smiling at me like that. “I have never met a writer before. Maybe I know some of your work.”

“No. I don’t think so.” I said quickly and then at his semi hurt expression continued. “It doesn’t seem like something you would read.”

“If it is written by someone as handsome as you I would read just about anything.” He said with a seductive grin, making me blush.

“What do you do?” I asked to change the subject from me.

“I’m a private detective.” He leaned more onto his chair, looking relaxed.

“A private detective? That doesn’t…”

“Seem like something I would do?” He finished for me. “Yes I get that a lot.”

I blushed. “Sorry. I didn’t mean anything bad by it.”

“Nothing to be sorry about darling.” He waved his hand nonchalantly. “I don’t work for any company or anything. But for the people who want to find someone I am the best so they come to me personally. It pays well.” He smiled at me and I returned it shyly when my phone started ringing.

“Excuse me.” I said before answering it, not even needing to look to know who it is. It can’t be anyone else but Izzy after all.

“Alec, where are you?” She asked me sounding concerned.

“I’m out.”

“Alec if you-”

I cut her off before she could say it. “Don’t worry I’m fine. It hasn’t happened in a year I’m fine.”

Magnus looked at me in confusion and  I averted my eyes feeling like he would see right through me. See the truth about me. And I didn’t want that.

“I won’t believe you until I see it with my own eyes.”

I sighed. “Now?”

“Yes, now.”

“I’m kind of busy right now.” I glanced sideways at Magnus who was still looking at me.

“Since when are you too busy for me?”

“Since now.”

“Alec, I will keep calling you until you come here and I examine you.” She said and I knew she will really do it. Last time she broke the door just to get to me. She is incredibly strong for such a skinny thing.

“Fine.” I sighed rubbing my eyes with the heels of my hands. “I’ll be there soon.”

“Great. See you then.” She said and hung up.

Sighing once again I looked back at Magnus. “I’m sorry but that was my sister and I have to go.”

“Shame.” He said looking really sad about me leaving. I didn’t have time to think about it so I just got up and glanced towards the door. I didn’t want to go but didn’t have any other choice either. Even if I tell Izzy the truth to where I am she would never believe me. “But before you go.” Magnus said getting up himself and handing me a napkin with something written on it. “I would love for you to come to my place later when you’re done with whatever it is. We haven’t had enough time to talk properly. And I really want to get to know you better.”

I blushed but nodded. “Okay. If you want to I can come by when I’m done with her.”

“Perfect.” He smiled cheekily at me before leaning forward and placing a sweet kiss on my lips. “See you then.”

Still a little dazed and shocked form the, too short, kiss I said a quick goodbye and started towards the door. Putting the napkin with his address safely in my pocket.

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you liked it and again the next chapter will be up tomorrow. Also thanks for the kudos.

**Author's Note:**

> Hope this was good. Please leave a comment and kudos. The next chapter will be up tomorrow.


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